Deep, Dark Thoughts
by JinxedtheCat98
Summary: I fall back against the wall, breathing heavily. My mouth tastes vile. My eyes role upwards, focusing on wads of tissue, some how stuck on the ceiling. How ugly. Like me. Warning! Extremely disturbing thoughts. No pairing, but hints of Clybe, Cryde and Tyde if you wish to see it that way. Rated M for depression and suggested self harm.


**Hey guys! I was going through my fanfiction files and trying to see any hidden gold in old ideas, when I found this finished piece. I polished it off a little and here you go! And if you are a follower of my main story, 'Keep it Close to your Heart', I apologies for being a lazy ass and I punish myself every second I put it off. I swear, you only have a couple more chapters to wait for the grand finale!**

**This was actually written when I was feeling depressed, to get the feelings off my chest, so sorry for bullying you Clyde! I promise you're my favourite character!**

**Please remember to review~ It encourages lazy people like me to write some more~**

* * *

><p><strong>Deep, Dark Thoughts<strong>

_"Hey, are you okay dude?" Craig asked, face blank but for a raised eyebrow._

_"Heh, yeah, 'course. Why?"_

Wetness drips down my cheeks, falling onto the ground bellow me. I tighten the grip around my knees and curl further into myself. Breath heaves in and out of my chest, mouth wide open and panting. My eyes are staring blankly at the white... whatever that stuff is, of the bathroom floor.

No. I'm not okay.

_"You look kind of out of it today." He stated bluntly. His smile twitched and Clyde's fingers gripped at his sandwich, leaving dents in the bread._

_"Hahaha, dude, no way~ I'm fine, see?" He laughed, brushing off the accusation with a grin. To prove how 'fine' he was, Clyde took a large bite out of the sandwich in his hand. The thick, clumpy food slid uncomfortably down his throat, and he internally grimaced._

I feel the heave in my stomach again, and quickly push myself up and over the toilet bowl. The disgusting feeling of semi-digested food spewing out of me starts up again, the bitter taste overwhelming my every sense. The tears come harder, blurring my vision. The only sound is my heaving, sobs and the 'splunk' of puke hitting the toilet water.

I hate eating.

_"Another F again, Donovan? Wow, I guess you are retarded." Said the teacher, Ms. Garrison, as she set his papers back in front of him. The rest of the class laughed, and Clyde sunk further into his seat._

_"Really Clyde, I don't know why you don't drop out already. It's obvious you can't fucking learn."_

I collapse back against the cubicle wall, breathing heavily. My mouth tastes vile and so does my breath. My eyes role upwards, focusing on wads of tissue, some how stuck on the ceiling. How ugly. Like me.

_The curly blonde laughed, her ample bosom jiggling with the motion._

_"Go out with you? Haha, no way~ I'm totally out of your league Clyde, why don't you try something closer to home next time? Maybe Cartman?"_

_Her friends giggled with her as they sauntered off, with no idea or care how they'd made him feel._

My eyes drift back to the floor, and my legs flop out in front of me, leaving me spread out, my torso only just propped up by the wall. I see my arms, covered in the baggy sleeves of my letterman that I never take off. If only they knew why.

_Token saw him attempting to wash the art equipment after class, but only managing to douse his sleeves in water. He tutted, and walked over to help him._

_"Look, dude, why don't you just roll up your sleeves?" He said, demonstrating by reaching to push one up._

_"NO!" Clyde screamed, wide eyed, and grabbed his hand to prevent him from going any further. Too late though, for Token had already seen them._

_He looked up sternly at his friend. "Clyde, what was that?" He asked in a dark voice._

_"N-nothing! Catch you later!" He stuttered, and ran from the room, his friends eyes glued to him throughout his escape._

I bite my lip to silence a hiccup, and raise my hands to rub at my eyes. No one could ever fucking understand. I'm alone, so fucking alone that it ached! No one noticed. I'm Clyde Donovan, the cheerful, playboy, class clown! Why would I need someone to be there for me? To corner me and demand that I let them in, let them help? I couldn't say I needed someone... There wasn't anyway I could let myself... But no one could see past my exterior, see past and notice the crack running through me...

So here I am. Having a breakdown in the school restroom, praying no one walks in, but hoping that they would.

My eyes lock onto my bag, lying haphazardly in the cubical corner.

_"One minute dad, lemme just grab something from my room." He called, rushing back up the stairs._

_He opened his bedside table, and hesitated when he saw it. His secret stash. The backup plan._

_Clyde didn't mean to ever use it. It was an incase, if it got too much._

_He had a bad feeling about today though._

_Clyde grabbed the bag of pills and stuffed them in his rucksack._

I reach over and pull the thing towards me. Opening the zipper, I root around until I find it. A small baggy, filled with assorted pills. I have no idea what's in there, just whatever I could find. Left over prescriptions, painkillers, cold medicine, heck, stuff I found in Tweek's bathroom cabinet and stole! I hope he didn't need that...

Point is: It's my choice of suicide.

I open up the zip lock and stare at the multicolored wonder. If I eat all of these, I will die. Be gone. Vanish. No longer have to suffer in silence with no one there.

Okay.

Here's my decision.

If someone, by chance, comes into the bathroom in the next ten seconds, I won't do it. It will be fates decision to save me.

I look at the ceiling, shut my eyes and count.

_One... Two... Three... Four... _

My hands start to sweat.

_Five... Six... Seven... Eight... _

I grip the bag, readying myself for death.

_Nine... Te-_

The door creaks open.

"Clyde? Are you in here, man?" A monotonous voice calls, sounding bored.

I open my eyes and smile, an odd relief rushing through me.

"Be out in a sec man, got the runs." I yell back.

"Ew, TMI. I'll be outside then."

The door creaks shut.

I put away the pills and grab my bag, opening the cubicle and cleaning my face before leaving the bathroom.

Guess I'm living for another day, then.

...

Thank you God.


End file.
